Sunday, October 12, 2008

So What if you locked up you shit like youre supposed to??


So you've locked the door to your car, you turned on your alarm. You parked yourself further than you needed to in order to make it the spot that was better lit than the closer ones.

You're a block away from the police station.

You leave your vehicle with your friends and have a wonderful night, watching musicians perform great sets, chatting up the artists and relating your similar pasts. You leave buzzed with excitement and talking loudly to your friends about your night.

you get back to your car and find glass all over your seats, pieces of a brick or concrete or something on your driver side floor. Your purse is missing. Its empty but you panic over your cell phone, your ipod, your wallet before you realize you left them at home.

Then you realize these assholes were so stupid, they missed the window on their first try, so not only did they bust through your window, they felt a nice big dent on top of your door handle.

So as I wrote earlier,
a big FUCK YOU goes out to the asshole or assholes who threw a brick through my window and stole my purse.

Congrats asshole. You stole an empty purse.

Joke's on you though, cuz im sure you just threw the purse in the garbage. Well guess what?

its worth at least $350.

go fuck yourself. die in a ditch.

Friday, October 10, 2008

So what if you have writer's block???


So you finally have your dream editing job and the pressure's on. Things are going great at first so you think you can take on even more projects. More projects and more writing. And more deadlines that creep up. You should be writing your short pieces that are all due today... and you should be writing your overview of how awesomely amazing Maine is (also due today) ... but you're not. You can't!!! Forced writing sucks a nut and you know it! The blank Word document that stares you in the face is silently mocking you... telling you how much you suck as a writer!!! So you write silly blogs in an effort to procrastinate. Might as well use whatever creativity is flowing to figure out an excuse to tell your editor if you miss your deadlines.

Why does writing have to rule and suck at the same time???

Thursday, September 18, 2008

So what if youre in pain?


I enjoy being a female, really I do. There’s something to be said about the fact that tits and an ass can get you so far in life, with so little work. Other times, though, I’m not so excited about it.

Lately, I’ve been having a bit of what could be called a personal disagreement with God lately over this whole menstruation, birthing, propagating the species matter. Yes, I understand that these are cycles that every woman must more or less undergo equally, but you would think that something so crucial to the success of the human race would be a little more comfortable, or at least a little more tolerable.

Instead, once a month, we girls get bitchy. We rue the day you hired us because it means we have to get out of bed, we hate the sunlight, loud noises and your face. Instead once a month we consider if we really do want to have kids or if it wouldn’t be better just to cut the whole thing out of us.

And so, we continue bleeding profusely, writhing in pain and bloating to three times our size. We get tired, cranky, bitchy, hungry, and have to go to the bathroom ten million times a day. But it isn’t enough. Oh no no. The entire sadistic cycle actually leads up to an act that taken out of context comes disturbingly close to torture.

The break you get from period, that wonderful little thing called pregnancy is pretty much as rewarding as liver cancer. Nine months of getting bigger and bigger, leaking nipples, swollen ankles, and sore backs, tearing vaginas, shitting in front of your close ones. Ah, the joys of childbirth.

It all kind of makes you wonder how come there are so many people in the world in the first place.

So, when you think of complaining to me about how your neck hurts because you slept wrong, telling me that your leg hurts, because you went running, or bitching about the bruise you got running into a table, don’t. Instead, think of how after a lifetime of bleeding once I month I get to look forward to pushing a bowling ball out of a button hole, and bow down to my Uterus, because you owe it your future.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

So what if you think God helped you win a VMA?

STOP THANKING 'HIM' FOR IT!

If there is one thing I hate about award shows (and there's a bunch) it's when the winner thanks God for his/her/their win. They might as well say "I would like to thank God for taking a big steamy holy dump on my competition because He thinks I'm way better."

You never hear the losers thanking God for their loss, do you? No, because at that moment they just changed their religious stance from Christian to Satanist and went home to make all their coins read "In *scratchmarks* We Trust."

So next time you win a Grammy, an Oscar, or a Moonman, do everyone a favor and just thank Jesus instead.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

So what if the weather blows?


So what if hurricanes are ruining everything, as usual? Your DJ gig on Friday? Cross your fingers it doesn't get rained out. The Caribbean trip to Turks and Caicos you've planned for mid-September? Hopefully the islands won't be in chaos after Hanna and Ike have their way. Your New Orleans house guest and his five year-old son who had to flee Gustav? Pray their house is okay for their return.

Hurricanes blow.

Friday, August 22, 2008

So what if you go out of your way for someone?


Nice gestures don't always pay off. It's not like you'll ever be reimbursed for your trouble that they put you through. A simple "thank you" sometimes would suffice, but they act like spoiled brats and you're supposed to do these things for them. The only way you get through it is coming to to the realization that they are obnoxious, arrogant, self centered, dumbasses who are going to go no where in life because of the choices they have made. You can always sink to their level and tell their significant other that you slept with them, but you know that will solve nothing in the end. Even though having sex with that significant other really was really a warning sign in itself because the only real pleasure you ever got came from making fun of it later with your friends. Instead you live your days knowing that someday someone will do something nice for you, even though it might not be the same.

To those obnoxious, arrogant, self centered dumbasses I say this: You know how when you're walking past a group of people, you hear them laughing and you sometimes get that paranoid self-conscious feeling? Maybe they're laughing about you when they're really not? Well, in your case, they really are.

You're a little engine that couldn't hold it's load.

So what if you're sicker than shit.


So what if you're sick. Its friday and you come in because you feel bad that you're missing work and you get here and your stupid employer is convinced that you don't work so he pulls you aside and says:
"do you see a pattern?"

And of course you see a pattern, because they've taken the courtesy of highlighting the pattern out for you.
So when they point out that in one year, you've been out 4 mondays and 5 fridays you take it.
When they highlight that you dont ask for any of these in advance you keep your mouth shut even though you know
  • one friday was your birthday, and it was requested two weeks early
  • One monday/friday combination was taken before you were asked to leave the country for 3 months on end and you only had three days to plan it, two of which you took off.
  • Another monday was upon your return
So you know that they are just looking for an excuse. And thats why, when the company's payroll girl, the girl you know was the one who started this shit sais "oh, youre staying here?" in a tone of mock corcern. You snap.

You snap and you tell her yes, I'm staying here because apparently I'm not allowed to be sick on mondays or fridays and since it isnt tuesday through thurs, and i dont feel like being reprimanded next week for nothing, then Im staying. If you get sick, then deal with it, If the pregnant girl from purchasing gets sick, then its not my problem.

and she'll just stand there, looking at you like she never expected or supposed such a thing could happen, like someone could answer back to her. She tells you not to shoot the messenger, which pisses you off to no end, because you know she isnt the messenger, but the instigator. So you simply, calmly and sharply ask her
"Who do I shoot instead?"

Do unto others, ya dumb arrogant bitch and welcome to my game.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

So what if you can't sing?


If I had a dollar for every time I had to hear "That Olympics opening ceremony was really something, eh??" I could buy the Empire State Building. Sure, maybe it was amazing but I was too busy living my life to stare at the TV. Sure, maybe the Chinese kicked major ass with their fake fireworks display. And don't forget those adorable children acrobats who've been forced to perform at gunpoint since they were in the womb.

But seriously, they went all Milli Vanilli up in this piece? In a nation of over a million people, they couldn't find a girl who was both adorable and had perfect pitch to sing the national anthem? Way to scar your children for life, China.

Good job.

Monday, August 11, 2008

So What if You Work Your Pretty Little Ass Off?


It doesnt really make much of a difference since you're not going to be rewarded for your hard work. Lets face it:
  • You will never get a raise
  • You will never advance in the company
  • You can't even be sure that your company will still be around in a year
  • Your bosses will not realize that you do 95% of their work
  • Your efforts will continue to go thankless
So go ahead an work 40+ hours. Go ahead and skip a lunch break cuz there's so much to do. Go ahead and assume the responsibility of everyone else because you feel bad for your unserviced client. Go ahead and forfeit on an education because you can't take the time out to go class.

God forbid you're ever late though. God forbid you ever need to leave 20 minutes early. With so many budget cuts, you're too scared to ask anyways.

And you're still gonna be late on the rent. You're still gonna be eating ramen or whatever else you can scrape up for a month or so, you'll never take a vacation and youre never getting new pants.

Tough Luck, I guess.

Friday, August 8, 2008

So what if you can't put your cell phone down for five fucking seconds???


I know your call is very important and I know you have to use the bathroom. But for God's sake, can you please not mix the two??? Especially in an office environment?

A) I don't want to hear your conversation while I am... Ahem... well, you know.
B) The person on the phone doesn't want to hear the toilet-flushing action in the background.
C) Can't you just fucking go outside or something???

Are you looking for privacy??? You aren't going to get it at 10:30 am when everyone's coffee has gone through their system. It's a high traffic time of day, you know. Definitely not the best place to be calling your health insurance company talking about your father's HMO policy. WTF?!?!?!?!

Get of the phone for two seconds, bitch!!!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

So what if the first photo didn't turn out well.

I do NOT want to take FOUR fucking more. Sure, maybe in the first one you blinked...it's common. And maybe for the second one, you made a silly face but really wound up looking like a half-brained gorilla...understandable. And maaaaaybe for the third one, you failed miserably at covering up whatever area of your body you feel is fat...but for the love of my sanity and flash batteries, please please pluheeeease don't ask for a fourth one.

Most likely, no one else will think your face looks like an epileptic hyena when you fake-smile. So that's the one i'm using, get over it. Now move out of my way, I have three more people trying to get my attention for five photos each.

Click.

So what if you don't know how to do your job



That's why you should've taken notes when I was training you. Now I'm in my new job and can't spend all day holding your hand, after I spent ALL LAST WEEK going over how to do everything. Remember when I said, "Hey, maybe you should write all this down so you won't forget," and your cocky response was, "Just give me two more times and I'll have it down." Well, asshole, now it's been a hundred times and you're still asking me.

I don't care if you have a fancy bachelor's degree from an overpriced design school (thanks to your rich parents) and I don't care how much your car costs (or how much your car insurance costs, for that matter). I do care about my job and you should care about doing yours correctly.

Because if you get fired, I am fucked. Getting to work late on your second day is not a good start.

Get your shit together!!!

Monday, August 4, 2008

So what if you kissed a girl



You know what, good for you Kate. I'm proud that, unlike peaches, you decided to flaunt your wild side by telling us all about the time you kissed a girl, and you liked it. It was really a very wise decision on your part. Especially considering how you look exactly like her. Not being a total bitch about how you love the pussy, even tho you love the cock was a smart move, I can assure you of that.

Still, If I had to choose between your buttery good-girl-turned-lesbo-tramp-on-a-saturday-night-from-drinking-too-much and peaches go-fuck-yourself attitude, the bitch would be tops on my list of black haired songbird girlies i'd wanna make out with.

Unless youre actually Zoey Deschanel's alter ego, get off the radar.

If you are Zoey Deschanel's alter ego, then good job at being a total failure to your reputation.

So what if your wife controls your wallet?

So what if she said that you spent too much money on that long sleeve shirt and that you look ridiculous in it? It is not my job to call your wife to get permission on what you're aloud to wear. Next time you shop here, bring her in, so I don't have to pick out anything for you to wear and you can just get pussy whipped by her. I only get paid to pick out clothes for bro's like you everyday.

I think you should deal with the situation whereupon you as a male has his balls being undeniably at the mercy of his high-maintenance wife & answers to her every beck and call. Watch out this is usually followed by the re-prioritizing of wife over friends, family, work, food, water, and air.

P.S. Your butt does not look cute in those jeans.

Hit the gym fatass

Friday, August 1, 2008

So what if there are contributors on your blog?



What difference does it make if they don't contribute? Are they scared? are they shy? they seemed to have plenty of bite and were ready to jump on the wagon, but what happened to the dogs who bark? Don't get me wrong, I'd rather hang out with friends who actually speak with substance than with friends that do nothing but complain about all the little things that are going wrong in their lives; and, believe me, there is always some little thing wrong in their life. But still, friends with substance should have something to say. And they usually do; or they don't get an invite.

ug.

I love you, but get a move on bitches.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

So What if I'm 10 minutes late to work?


Sure, sometimes I show up late, sure, sometimes I'm half asleep in the morning. But that is no reason to call me out to the entire office and call me a slacker. Stop me if I'm lying here, but im pretty sure I'm the one who never takes a lunch, I'm the one who's here till the last person leaves, I'm the one that deals with customer issues and complaints.

On that note, yes I'm going to be leaving early tommorow. No, I dont care if someone else's client needs something shipped out to them ASAP. I dont get commission off their purchases, so guess what? I dont care.

Give me my bonus, maybe then i'll be more willing to give up my life to this hell-hole. Till then, fuck you.

Shut the fuck up, take it.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

So what if your client gets pissed.


You cant please everyone all the time and if that someone is an idiot from Texas that places an order on Wednesday for shit that he needs on Friday then fuck him if he's not gonna get it on time. Why should we, as a company, have to eat the cost of shipping a second order to him next day just because he couldn't add a comment line, or pick up the fucking phone call my ass who has nothing to do all day at work anyways?
And Then, why should I, have to be the one to call this guy that you so desperately want to appease whom i would rather see grow mushrooms from his ass?
Oh, because you don't feel like speaking Spanish?

You're from fucking Puerto Rico dick, own up.

So what if you got defamed

I mean really? you go downtown dressed like a slut or a clown, throw yourself in every picture you can get into, talk shit about anyone thats cooler than you and then pretend to be their friends? yeah, youve been asking for this since day one so either get a clue or learn to lube for that giant preverbial dick in your ass.

pucker up bitch.

So what if your man slept with her

She's moved on and obviously he has too. Now, while i understand your concern for his secret-keeping, there is no reason that you need to let it become the revolving center of your relationship. he sleeps with you now, get over it.

buck up princess.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

So what if you're 80 and can't see over the steering wheel

I still need to get to work. Im tired, it's way too early in the morning and I actually remember how to merge. Don't be defiant and not let me in front you like you should, don't shake your fist (unless its involuntary, then yes, I understand) and dont hit the breaks while were trying to merge onto the expressway at 50 mph.

go the hell back to your nursing home.

So what if your leg hurts

My knee is almost broken and I still go out dancing almost every night. I play football, swim and run. I do not cry about it like the prissy 15 year old daughter of a rich momma who's given her everything shes wanted since birth so that she now cries and cries every time someone tells her no.

Grow some balls.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

So what if both candidates suck ass

I dont give a shit what you think about anyways. And this is work, not your fucking soapbox, so go grab a pallet and stand in a park where no one can hear you scream since everyone is inside playing xbox instead.

Go fuck yourself.